Thursday, July 29, 2010

Actually, I miss being Naive.

This blog comes with one of those warnings. You may not want to read this! Seriously, unless you want a good laugh. I'm not too ashamed to laugh at myself. It's one of those stories folks may want to hear, but don't want to know the person involved. Too bad, it's me. So you choose, read a funny story and know I was a somewhat normal teenage boy. Or skip this blog, pretending I am a normal modest adult. I think the warning is unnecessary, but some of my friends say I tell too much. You've had your warning. So are you going to read this, Crystal, I'm sure you husband Jay is going to bust?


I was a rather naive kid about a lot of things. I grew up in a devoutly Christian home, though not prudish. I was a very trusting child and stayed that way into early adulthood. But life eventually knocked most of that out of me. Many people aren't good or trustworthy, though I do try live with this motto: Trust first, but not blindly. Then forgive those who wrong you. I'm not naive anymore, but try to act that way. I'd rather act as if people are truly good than be a pessimist. I'd say that I am positively cynical or cynically positive.

Okay this is a funny blog, but you have to earn it first with a little of Jason Philosophy. Plus it gives some of you more time to retreat. So my best example of my naivety is my sexual knowledge as youngster. (Run away, run away.) I knew my parents had sex, a lot, but hadn't a clue what that meant. My first real sexual knowledge of any sort came from my sister, Theresa, when I was in the 8th grade. I can still tell you exactly where we were. She was telling me about being pregnant and realized I knew nothing. The only difference I knew of between girls and guys was that girls developed these lumps on their chest. We did have a sex education class one day in the 6th grade, but obviously I didn't get much of an education. (The real funny is coming, but I've got to set it up first. But imagine a 13 year old boy eagerly listening to his
sister explain the basics of sex.) Theresa explained that girls had a hole where I had a stick. You get the rest, or not maybe. Anyway I knew more than I did before. You may ask about friends talking at school, I hung out with the "good" kids. Or basically I had one good, best friend, Jason, and he was about as naive as me. (Jason lived just up the road from me and later got the nickname JL to delineate all the Jasons.) These were the days before the internet. So all this sets up a 16 year old, high school junior alone in bed in the dark before falling asleep.


Yes I was masturbating, though I didn't know that at the time. You only get a few opportunities in life to masturbate without knowing it. We'll say that I was just messing around. Suddenly I messed around a little too much and I hadn't a clue what was happening. My mind began to run wild. What was I going to say, I thought I was a good Christian boy. How was I going to explain this to my parents, the doctors? I had done something very wrong and now, in the dark, blood was spurting everywhere. The end of my stick must of exploded and come off somehow. I squeezed the end hard for those few moments trying to contain the bleeding, but it kept coming. Growing up on a farm, I'd had lots of cuts and accidents that I'd hidden from my parents. I had chopped my foot with an axe, cut my thumb to the bone. Maybe I could bandage myself and hide this, though I'd never spewed blood like this before. This was going to require medical attention. Just imagine the fear raging in this pitiful kid's mind. I'd be ridiculed at school forever, the kid who exploded the end of his stick doing naughty things. I had no clue such things happened. Within a few seconds the bleeding eased up. I got up to turn the light on, afraid of what I'd find. Flick. I could see. I still had a whole stick, but there was some strange white sticky crap everywhere. As I looked curiously at my hand wiggling my fingers, many pieces of the sexual puzzle finally came together. Suddenly, some jokes made sense and some concerns were alleviated. So I hadn't been spilling my seed every time I went to bathroom. I wouldn't someday urinate in the woman that I loved. I'll admit I was stupid. I was naive. I just didn't know anything else. The only thing that had ever come out of there before was urine. No one every told me anything else could spew from there. By the way, I started running about a month or two later. Maybe there is some connection.

You could say I came of age that night, though not completely. I was still uneducated on some things. I'll spare you a more detailed explanation. Though I did learn how I functioned very well over next few months, years. I didn't fully understand the other side until I got married at 21, almost 22. Yes, I was a naive virgin all the way through college. I was a very excited young man on wedding night. There was a show and tell first. The sexual world made much more sense after the honeymoon. I did remain a little naive, Kathy was the only woman I'd even seen topless in person until my 28th summer. Personally, I miss the naivety I once had. Maybe not all of it.

1 comment:

  1. That was HILARIOUS!!!

    Chris Wiley

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